A Year of Giving: January

This post is part of my "Year of Giving" series. You can read the background here.

This month, we donated our old car, a '99 Mercury Sable, to Cars for Courage, in support of Courage Center. Courage Center is "a Minnesota-based non-profit rehabilitation and resource center that empowers people with disabilities to realize their full potential in every aspect of life."

On a whim I decided to chip in a few bucks toward The Feminist Breeder's legal fund fighting against a cyber-bully/thief/serial copyright infringer. The person she's fighting against is someone who steals content from mothers' blogs and disparages them on her site, sending trolls back to the mother's site. She preys on women who have lost babies, going as far as to post one woman's home address and contact information during her later homebirth, for her followers to call the cops on this mother and generally make her birth a living hell. This person (I am not going to use her name) crosses a line on a regular basis into absolutely unconscionable harassment, but she has more or less unlimited legal resources so fighting her can be near impossible. Taking her down for copyright infringement could at least make things expensive for her.

I also worked on this blanket to donate to Project Linus:

Yeah, it's not quite finished yet. A yarn shortage, illness, bad weather which meant I didn't get out to the store to buy more yarn, etc. I've got lots of excuses, but I'm hoping to have it fully completed by the end of this weekend. I still need to make two more gray squares and one more brown square, but the rest are finished and ready to be assembled. Then I'll put a border on and call it finished. I'll post a nice picture of the completed blanket when I can.

Babywearing Guest Post: Liz

[This post was written by my friend Liz, who I met through my sister-in-law, Jena. I suspect Jena was the "friend" in the story below. :) ]

Babywearing….

I guess I always knew I would end up wearing my baby. What I didn't realize is that there are a million different types! Some are better than others. And some are not good for your baby at all. I have experience with an Evenflow Snuggli (crotch dangler :( ), Baby K’tan Baby Carrier, and a BabyHawk Mei Tai. They all held a place in my babywearing career.

My first carrier was an Evenflow Snuggli soft carrier. My mom had picked it up for me at a garage sale before my daughter was born. It was a life saver! I was able to clean while she napped when I was wearing her. It was great! My friend came over to meet the new baby and she told me that I was harming my daughter’s hip development by wearing her like that. I had little to no education about carriers and I didn't know it was not good for baby to be supported by their crotch. I then did some investigating and found out the dangers for myself. I discontinued use and researched a better for baby carrier.

The second carrier I used was a Baby K’tan Baby Carrier. I bought this one on Craigslist for $40 (retail $49.95). It is similar to a Moby Wrap as it is a stretchy wrap, except it is 2 pieces (2 loops connected and a tie sash). She was a couple month old when I got this carrier and used it for a few months. The K’Tan was awesome! Easy to use! [Aside from Mel: I remember Liz wearing her daughter at the zoo in the K'tan, and it was way faster to use than a regular wrap. Plus, no ends dangling on the floor!] Great for baby! Washable! There are many different ways to use it. I mostly put her in the hug and two-hip positions. It was really nice to be able to grocery shop with her on my chest and not have the carseat taking up the whole cart (don’t get me started on people putting the carseat in the top part of the cart!). She was happy, so I was happy. I have never been a big stroller person so this was great for walking to the park with her big sisters. I could even breastfeed in it! Just pull up my top shirt and pop it in – good to go! No one really noticed ever that we did. When my daughter got bigger it was harder to get her in the K’Tan. It would get stretched out and I’d have to retighten it. That got annoying! So I did some more research and found a new carrier!

My final experience baby wearing is with a BabyHawk Mei Tai. This was also purchased on Craigslist for $60 or $70 (retail $89.95+ depending on customizations). Again a carrier that is easy to use! This carrier is a square of fabric with 4 straps for tying. We mostly do the front carry position, but you can do a back and hip carry too. I love this carrier! It’s pretty to look at and comfortable to wear. I am able to breastfeed her in it and wear her for hours at a time. I wore her when we went to the St Patrick’s Day parade last year she was 13 months old and I ended up wearing her for hours! It was super comfortable, my hands were free and I didn't have to guide a stroller through the crowd or on a bus. We still use this from time to time, but she mostly wants to walk now that she is older. But even at almost 2, it’s really comfortable to tie her on!

I am glad for the education that I have now for babywearing. And with my maybe future children I plan babywearing again! Maybe even do the venture to a woven wrap!! I know that it has made my life easier to be able to just wear my daughter. I love it!

 Cuddled up in the Baby K'Tan

At the zoo

Sleepy in the Mei Tai

Back carry!

DIY household cleaner

It totally works. Dan used to use comet or just straight-up bleach to clean the bathtub, but that smelled awful and the fumes really burned his airways, even with the fan running. I happen to subscribe to Earth Mama Angel Baby's Facebook page, even though I haven't really bought any of their products. If we have another baby, I'll  be getting teas and things from them, I'm sure.

Anyhow. They posted this delightful recipe for non-toxic scrubby household cleaner. I figured I'd give it a try. I didn't want to wait for an online order to arrive so I just used Dr. Bronner's Liquid Soap in Lavender, and skipped the essential oils.

Well, it really works, and it smells heavenly. Dan just used about 1/4 of the amount the recipe made to clean the whole tub, using a non-scratching scrub sponge. It got off bath crayon, people. And it cost very, very little. We have enough supplies to make it over again probably 10 or more times. I put the leftover paste in a couple small plastic containers in the fridge.

Moral of the story: nontoxic cleaning products need not be expensive! Older generations knew this. Somehow my generation was taught (marketed) that it was better to let caustic chemicals do the scrubbing for us, and then taught (marketed) that it was worth extra to pay for a "safe" product. It's probably time for me to drag out the old church cookbook and look for more household recipes. Maybe one day I'll get adventurous and make my own soap!

Boys, guns, violence, and video games

Bet that got your attention, huh? This is going to be a long one...and it's probably going to piss off everyone at one point or another. You've been warned.

So these are things that have been on my mind ever since Sandy Hook, or even before. When a boy or a man does something awful, something violent, something hugely destructive, we tend to try to find someone to blame. Someone other than that boy or man. In some ways we are right, but in others, we're not.

Evolutionary influences

It is my firm belief that men and women have brains hard-wired a little differently from each other. Of course there are many exceptions, but I don't think anyone is going to deny the evolutionary advantage of a somewhat violent male in a hunter-gatherer society. Men needed to be good at hunting and at war, or their families would starve or be killed by other humans who wanted their resources, or be killed by wild animals. Food was scarce. In a hunting party, each man needed to try to kill an animal. Some teamwork was necessary, but it was not necessary for men to look out for each other quite as much as if they'd been the gatherers. You can bet that the man who managed to get the kill was highly regarded by his peers and by the women of the tribe, and therefore more likely to pass on his genes.

If you watch boys play, you notice that they aren't quite as interested in playing with each other as they are playing against each other or next to each other, doing similar activities. Boys tend to prefer destructive play more often than girls do. They tend to build things just to demolish them. They tend to talk to each other less. An individual boy is also not highly concerned with the needs of the group as a whole--he's mainly out for himself. Boys also tend to have social hierarchies, and be somewhat competitive. This is not terribly surprising given the above.

Women and girls tend to be different. The gatherers of our ancient tribe, it was crucial that the group carry back as much food as possible. If one woman was lost, it was worth it for the others to find her and make sure what she'd gathered made it back to camp. Women shared duties such as childcare (even breastfeeding each other's children while they worked), and a woman who could keep track of everyone's well-being was valuable to the tribe, and may have been more likely to pass on her genes.

If you watch little girls play, they tend to do more social activities. They tend to want to keep their creative endeavors rather than destroy them. They are typically more concerned with the needs of the whole group than boys are. Girls tend to know more about each other than boys do, and the darker side of that is that they know each other's weaknesses and will exploit them for social gain if they choose. In general, though, girls want the group to play together, not apart.

What does this have to do with mass violence? Well, I just wanted to acknowledge that there is something in the male brain that craves violence, conflict, and conquest. This is not necessarily a bad thing, but in our modern society it can be difficult to manage it well.

Modern men and boys and their need for conflict

Accepting that there are certain instincts present does not mean indulging those instincts. It is not appropriate for men and boys to actually commit acts of violence towards their fellow human beings. So what do we do about it? Some guys get into sports; either physically playing or at least watching and pretending to be part of the team. Some guys hunt. Some guys play video games. Some watch people blow stuff up on Mythbusters. Some people drive motorcycles, race cars, or various sporting vehicles. Some people watch action movies. Whatever sates that craving for adrenaline. Remember, put to good use, the competitive nature can help men succeed in the workplace and be willing to work hard to help support their families.

But then there are guys that smack women around, get in bar fights, road rage incidents, and generally don't have their feelings under control. Worse, there are some guys who let their suppressed rage fester until they go on a shooting spree or build a bomb.

Blaming the video games for desensitizing doesn't get at the core of the problem. Sometimes (more often than not, I'd wager) the violent video games are a release for pent-up anger. Sometimes they aren't, though. One thing I know to be true is that no one has ever walked into a mall, a theater, or a school with an Xbox 360 or a PlayStation 3 and killed a bunch of people. Games don't have the power to do that. Most rational adults and even most teenagers understand the difference between reality and make-believe. Most of them know that games are not real life. This is part of the reason for game ratings--your 10 year old does NOT need to play anything rated T for teen or M for mature. These are not guidelines based on difficulty: they are content based warnings. If you're not comfortable with your kid watching an R or NC-17 movie, they shouldn't be playing a rated M game. Period.

What about the guns?

Blaming the guns doesn't quite work, either. People in certain rural areas (or, you know, Alaska) may need to carry firearms in case of bears and wolves. This is a real, legitimate safety concern for many Americans. Hunting, whether you agree with it or not, is also a fair and reasonable use of firearms. Target practice, like archery, can be a sport. Probably not a good sport for folks with the rage issues above, or those who can't appreciate the difference between reality and fantasy, but for average folks, not a problem.

Home defense I am more on the fence about. In most cases, you don't need a gun to stop a thief. An irrational attacker, on the other hand, won't be stopped by anything less. If you have a stalker or a psychotic ex or an estranged family member who you believe may try to harm you and your family, go ahead and keep a gun. If you believe that due to your job someone may have a beef with you that they would resort to violence to resolve, go ahead and keep a gun. But if you're just afraid that "someone" "might" try to come in and steal your stuff? Really. Really? It's stuff. It's not worth risking anyone's life over, even the person trying to take it from you. This paranoia that "bad guys" are going to come into your neighborhood, this fear, is how we end up with cases like that of Trayvon Martin. Get over it. Most people aren't going to hurt you. Lock your doors and windows, and make peace with the fact that things are just things, and most thieves just want stuff, not to harm people. The fortress mentality, the "trespassers will be shot, ask questions later" attitude, is how a grandfather accidentally shot his granddaughter when she walked in the door unexpectedly.

The constitutional right to bear arms

The second amendment was originally conceived as a way to limit the power of a potentially tyrannical government. A way for citizens to be armed and rise up against their oppressors. This worked, sort of, during the American revolutionary war. (Never mind that it was aid from the French that actually helped win the war...) But now? Have you seen some of the technology created and used by the US military? A citizen militia, no matter now many guns they had, would not, could not, have a chance against unmanned drones. That ship has long since sailed. You'd have to have a nuke and be willing to use it.

So how can we protect ourselves from potential tyranny? In fact, it's been studied and nonviolent protests have a 50% better success rate than violent ones. Guns are no longer the means to overthrow regimes. It is more effective to garner support in peaceful protest, which is not surprising--given the choice between arming oneself for combat, leaving one's family, potentially to take the life of a political enemy, and writing a letter or a check, maybe marching, picketing, or sitting-in, what would you pick? Both options include the possibility of being hurt or killed, but unarmed peaceful protesters tend to garner more sympathy when the powers that be harm them than if they'd been physically attacking the authorities. Insurgencies which tend to divide civilian populations, to rape and pillage, generally don't succeed in the end. People don't want to trade one tyrant for another. In short, the 2nd amendment is highly irrelevant in this day and age. (So is the 3rd...)

So what can we do?

Banning guns and violent games and movies will not help solve the mental health crisis in the United States. Better gun regulation is one important piece of the puzzle, but it's not the whole picture.

There may be some issues with the accessibility of mental health treatments. Men are less likely to seek treatment for any medical problem than women are. Stop and re-read that last sentence. Even if they have health insurance, men don't want to go to the doctor, even if they have a serious problem. Stigma for mental disorders is even worse for men than for women. Men are expected to suck it up, be a man, get over it, don't express your feelings, etc. That's a problem.

However, I think the best things we can do involve the cliche "think global, act local".

Teach your sons and daughters conflict resolution skills. Make sure your boys have an outlet for their energies. Do not shame them for their natural impulses; instead teach them by example healthy ways to cope with their feelings. Teach them to cope with disappointment, change, and loss. Teach them to respect each other's emotional, intellectual, and bodily autonomy. Teach them to respect themselves enough to get help when they need it.

Work on you. Try to be a peaceful person in your own circle. Teach your kids, your family members, and your friends to value the humanity present in all people, even those they dislike or disagree with. Stop objectifying people. Celebrities are not objects to be judged; they are real people with real feelings and real lives. When it becomes OK to dismiss the humanity of a famous person, it becomes OK to devalue the humanity of everyone. This goes for men as well as women. Our president is not an intangible political idea; he is a father and a husband, and a person. You may not agree with his decisions, but it is unacceptable to presume you know the contents of his heart and mind and that those things don't matter. This goes for people across the aisle as well. When we take away each other's realness, when we reduce our fellow beings to mere things, it suddenly becomes acceptable to kill without a second thought. Work to change that.

That guy you know. The one you maybe lost touch with a few years ago. The one with the anger issues. The one who is a totally different person when he's in a good mood from who he is when he's in a bad one. Reach out. Reconnect with him. See how he's doing. Talk. Spend a little time together. Make sure he knows that you value his life and his contribution to the world. Make sure he values yours. Just be there as a positive example. Don't let him think that it's him against the world, because it's not. Make sure he can imagine that there is good in his future.

Make conscious choices about entertainment. As stated above, avoid websites, shows, and magazines that treat people like objects. Petition TV shows and stations to make better choices about programming. Play games that have compelling stories which affirm the characters' humanity, not devalue it.

Try to give. Even if you feel like you can't afford to. Everyone has gifts. If you don't have much money to spare, maybe you have some extra time--to watch your neighbor's kid while she runs an errand, to volunteer somewhere. Maybe you can finally drop off that box of old clothes that don't fit anymore at the Goodwill or Savers (or your local nonprofit). If your life is pretty chaotic but you have a little disposable income, maybe you can donate a little money here and there. $5 or $10 buys a meal for the car behind you at the drive-thru, with about 10 seconds worth of effort on your part. The lady in line in front of you at the grocery store with her kids, digging through her purse to try to scrounge up $2 in change to cover the rest of her bill? Hook her up, and don't make her feel bad about it. Start a chain reaction of positivity. Even just being kind and friendly to the strangers you meet through the course of a day--cashiers, janitors, folks you pass on the sidewalk. Make an effort once in a while to put some good into the world. Change the culture one person at a time.

And if you know the system we live in is broken, try to figure out how to fix it. When you see injustice, ask yourself how it happened, and sort it out. If you don't see injustice, OPEN YOUR EYES. Perk up your ears. It's pervasive, and the privileged often seem to have no idea it's there.

I'll be honest, other than pointing it out and using my voice, I have no idea how to deal with this stuff. I can be petty and judgmental, and gossip about other people's problems. It's something I'm trying to stop doing, but I'm not there yet. I'm also not good at engaging with people--I tend to avoid eye contact with other shoppers when I pass them in the aisles. I don't look restaurant servers in the eye. But I'm going to try to get out of my comfort zone. I hope you'll join me. Let's spread some love.

Video Friday: Parent Rap

This is old and has been bouncing around on Facebook for months. I wanted to take this opportunity to make a few shout-outs:

In order of appearance:

Jena makes this diaper bag look good when she's walking round the mall.
Stephanie could make you mac and cheese blindfolded on a wire.
My mom, Kathy, is using your full name, so you know she ain't playin'.
When it comes to Candyland (or checkers, or Monopoly, or any board game, really) Kevin is a stone cold playa.
Pretty much all of us car seat crazies wrestle carseats into place without spillin' our mugs...
Yours truly is cuttin' coupons like a vil'.
My dad, Dale, always pretends he needs another tie.

Where do you see yourself in this video? (Aunties and uncles, you too.) Where do you see your own parents or other parents you know?

How to do your taxes**

**Haha, just kidding. I am not a tax professional, although I hope to be one day. Pretty sure there is still no licensing process for that, by the way. You don't have to be a CPA to prepare taxes for money. Crazy. Anyhow. This post is not to be construed as professional advice, and you should contact a tax professional if you have concerns about your taxes.

I did want to just write a bit about how my self-employment has complicated our tax situation. Folks who work freelance may benefit from this information. Folks with relatively simple tax situations may be bored by this post, and you're welcome to skip it if you like.

Last year, we received income from several sources:

1. Dan's salary (income taxes withheld)
2. Dan's royalties from mineral rights in ND (production taxes withheld)
3. My income from babysitting/nannying/daycare/whatever (no taxes withheld)

For the first two, we'll receive lovely forms with instructions on how to enter them into the tax software we'll purchase, but for the third, I am depending on my own record keeping. There are a couple of forms involved, the first being a W-10 that I provided to my client. Then I need to have a complete record of my revenue and expenses for the year. For this, I kept receipts from every time I deposited a check and every time I made a purchase for the daycare, then popped those numbers into a spreadsheet.

For example, I'll be subtracting from my gross receipts the costs of the baby carriers I purchased, the double stroller, the baby monitor, a first aid kit, my training classes, and various other consumable supplies used exclusively for Maggie. If I had purchased any furniture or durable gear "new", I might have had to calculate depreciation, which would have been a pain. I also decided against trying to claim anything for the use of my residence, but there are formulas to figure that out. If you have a home office used almost exclusively for work, you may be able to subtract a certain amount from your taxable income if you are self-employed OR claim a business expense if you are employed by someone else, provided they don't compensate you for the use of your residence already.

When it comes to forms I'll actually have to submit to the government with my 1040, I'll need a Schedule C and a Schedule SE. The formulas and math on the SE can get a bit complicated, so we use tax software. (I am capable of doing taxes by hand, now, but I just don't because I don't have to--it's a more efficient use of my time to use a software program.) We'll also need to use Schedule E for the royalty income, and to prepare nonresident state taxes for ND as well as our normal state tax return for MN. I'll be doing the ND taxes by hand, since it's just two forms (3 pages, total) that pull information off of your 1040, plus you reference the ND tax table. Not too tough.

State taxes must be paid to the state in which the income was earned, and any income tax paid to nonresident states can be deducted from the state in which you lived most of the year.* Local taxes, if any, are also owed to the locale in which the income was earned. Some people refer to this as the "jock tax"--it's why cities which host professional sports events typically charge local tax so they can get a chunk of the ridiculous amount of money some pro athletes and other entertainers make. This is also what got Al Franken in trouble for "not paying his taxes". He mistakenly paid all of his state income tax in his home state of MN as an entertainer, when he should have paid each individual state where he had gigs. When made aware of his error, he fixed it. We made the same mistake for a number of years, based on bad advice from a lawyer. Even though we may have never set foot in ND during the course of a year, we still owe taxes there because that's where the land is. The same would be true if we had income from a rental property in another state. We just finished fixing this issue and paying back taxes to ND with interest last fall. The auditor who we worked with us kindly made sure that all penalties were waived (other than interest) since it was an honest mistake. We filed amended returns with MN, but they haven't paid us back yet. :(

Because so much of our income did not have taxes withheld last year, we may owe a penalty. This year I'll be prepaying some estimated taxes on my income quarterly throughout the year so that we can avoid that in the future. In general, we do have to "pay-in" rather than get a refund, just because the mineral royalties are so impossible to predict.

Good things to know: honest tax mistakes may cost you money, but not generally jail time. However, tax fraud can land you in prison, and there is no statute of limitations on tax fraud. When they couldn't get Al Capone on anything else, they locked him up for tax fraud. So. Don't do it; it's not worth it. Be sure to claim all of your income and be sure to keep good records. If you itemize deductions, be sure your deductions qualify and that you have written proof of them. Since we are not homeowners and do not pay mortgage interest, we've never itemized because it's never been worth it. For curiosity's sake, I might collect all the receipts from our "year of giving" and see if it even comes close to being claimable. I doubt  it, though. The standard deduction for a married filing jointly couple is pretty high compared to what we'll probably be donating. (Don't get me started on the 10% tithe thing...we may get there someday, but right now, we're just starting out.)

That's about it! We pay student loan interest which gets plugged into the tax software, but that's all. Renters sometimes qualify for a property tax refund, but it's based on income and we haven't qualified in years.

Taxes don't have to be scary, and I find them pretty fascinating, for some reason. Probably the math nerd in me. Once I finish my degree, you can totally pay me to do your taxes. My career end-game is to do taxes part of the year and have the rest of the time to spend with my kid(s).

*An exception is that certain states have reciprocity with neighboring states for folks who cross the border to work and have income from wages, salaries, and tips. Other forms of income are generally not part of reciprocity, and policies vary from state to state.

I can't believe I'm blogging...on my birthday.

I can't believe I have to work...on my birthday. But whatever.

I'm 32 now. That's actually not a birthday. All I want is to go out for sushi or something this weekend. Plus I still have a cold. All 32 really means to me is:

1. If I want another kid, I better get on that before my fertility goes to crap (unless it already has, which is possible.)

2. I'm that much closer to 40 sans college degree. Depressing.

I'd rather not think about numbers, and just enjoy the present. I actually have quite a fabulous life. I may not have a dazzling career, but I do have a husband I'm crazy about, a son who I adore, and a job I enjoy. Taking the plunge and becoming self-employed was one of the best moves I've made in quite some time. Granted, I'm only making about $10K per year, but I also don't have to pay to put Sam in daycare. Things could be a heck of a lot worse. Here's to one year wiser.

Work in progress: January

Here is the first strip of my first afghan of the year.

(Maggie ripped it down a split-second after I took the picture...)

It's actually closer to completion than it looks, just that I need to finish all four colors at the same time to assemble. It's going to be four by four squares in the end. Here is a super-crappy MS Paint schematic I set up for myself:

Just terrible. Whatever. It helped me figure out what color to put where. I've finished four green, four blue, two grey (need more yarn!) and one brown square so far, so I have 5 squares left to make. Then it's all assembly and border. I finally taught myself to do invisible joins, rather than slip-stitching things together, so it should come out quite nice. After that I am planning to do a simple border in a soft black. I'll post a finished shot when I'm done!

Stupid colds

So I had like 3 different posts in various states of completion that I could have posted this morning...except that I never finished doing any of the things I was going to post about. All 3 (well, now 4 since Maggie's here) of us have nasty headcolds with icky boogery noses. Not a great way to start a week. Tomorrow I'll have something more interesting to write about.

Video Friday: "Same Love", Macklemore & Ryan Lewis feat. Mary Lambert

Tissue alert: I can hardly listen to this song, let alone watch the video, without bawling my eyes out. OK. Ready?

That's all. 

Too long for a tweet

I've been collecting a few thoughts I had that were too short for a blog post, but too long for a tweet.

1. I recently bought a coffee mug and read the directions on the base. They read, in no particular order: "Dishwasher Safe", "Microwave Safe", and "May Get Hot In Microwave". Wow. What doesn't get hot in the microwave? Frankly, if it was impervious to microwave heating, I would be afraid to eat or drink out of it.

2. I realized the other night as I was brushing out my hair after a shower that it's gotten to the middle of my back--bra strap level. My hair is now the length they cut crazy-long-haired ladies' hair to on What Not To Wear, saying, "You'll still have long hair, it'll just be more manageable." Here I was thinking it was getting crazy long. Meh. Maybe I'll wait another year to cut it.

3. Sam's in the midst of another assessment, this time for autism spectrum disorder. As things stand, he will not qualify for services once he turns 3 years old, even if he still has a reasonably severe communication delay, which worries me. He'll finish testing by the end of the month, and we should know one way or the other sometime early in February, and be able to make a plan from there. If he doesn't have any form of autism and he still doesn't qualify for OT for a motor delay, we'll probably just continue to enroll in ECFE as regular students and have him get private speech therapy.

4. (TMI/gross-out alert, scroll down)
























Going through poopy cloth diapers of a 1 year old to scoop out what's in there into the toilet makes me feel like the biologist in "The Gods Must Be Crazy", or the paleontologist on "Dinosaur Train". "We can learn a lot about what this creature ate by examining its poop!" Spoilers: it's green beans, mandarin oranges, and the occasional carrot. She doesn't really chew or digest...it just comes out the other end smelling worse for the journey.

Book reflections: A Year of Biblical Womanhood by Rachel Held Evans

Special thanks to Mom and Dad for getting me the book I asked for for Christmas.

I was going to write a big long post about how great it was, but I've got some writer's block in that department. I think I'm just still digesting its awesomeness. May need to read it again. I kind of plowed through it in a matter of 3 days.

A few thoughts, nonetheless:

1. The stories of women from the bible at the beginning of each chapter were a major highlight for me. Tamar. Did not learn about her in Sunday School. Wowza. And she was supposedly Jesus' great-great-umpteenth-great-grandma.

2. I was impressed by the academic and biblical scholarship that led the author to design her project the way she did. I am inspired to read the bible again for the first time in many years. So far I've mostly read online, but Dan has a copy of the translation that I'm interested in studying, so I'll probably start on the dead trees version eventually.

3. I was annoyed that she complained so much about not cutting her hair. This is probably just because I am jealous. Ladies with thick hair that requires layers, I will never understand your pain. I recognize that you experience it; I just can't imagine what it would be like to have too much hair.

4. As I noted here, reading this book inspired me to take on a year-long project of my own. Breaking up a spiritual project/experiment/mission/whatever into monthly installments makes it feel more manageable. I'm thankful for the idea! I'd been feeling rather blocked by how settled my life is right now--having a family and responsibilities here, means I don't have the freedom to just give up a year of my life to mission work somewhere else. (I don't have any experience or credentials, either, but that's besides the point.) But I can do what I can, where I am. If my goal is to just do something by the end of the month each month, I can do that.

5. I love the concept of taking back Proverbs 31 and putting it back in its proper place as a praise of character, not a list of roles to be fulfilled and rules to obey. Don't be surprised if I call you "Eshet Chayil" sometime! It's a compliment. You can read about other Women of Valor on Rachel's blog. I fully intend to be this mom.

That's all for now. I know I had way more thoughts while I was reading it but I honestly didn't want to put it down long enough to write about them.

Chili and Beer Bread

One of my favorite cold-weather easy-enough but made from scratch meals is chili with beer bread. I adapted the chili from a meatless version found here, since Dan really didn't like that one, but for the beer bread I stick to the directions found here. (Warning: the recipe website is old and has annoying pop-ups and banners. Sorry.) We aren't really beer drinkers so we tend to keep a 6 pack on hand for the sole purpose of making beer bread. Last winter we bought a sampler pack to try different tastes--a light lager makes a very different beer bread than an oatmeal stout, for example. Both are delicious, in case you're curious. Even a cheap can of Bud will still make great beer bread, though. You could even use either 3.2% or non-alcoholic beer, if you prefer. According to one of my Facebook friends, you can use anything fizzy, but we like the yeasty flavor you get from the beer.

So. Here's my chili recipe. I try to keep everything on hand in my pantry or frozen except for the onion and the pepper. It's an easy and satisfying meal to make when you're short on grocery money--usually $2 will get you the veggies, and the beans and tomatoes are usually under $1 per can or even less. You can get cheap spices at Aldi or the dollar store.

Ingredients:
1 lb ground meat (beef, pork, turkey, chicken, whatever.)
1 can diced tomatoes
1 can beans (kidney, pinto, black, whatever.)
1 large white or yellow onion (or 2 small)
1 large bell pepper (green or red or whatever.)
2 tbsp chili powder
2 tsp ground cumin
salt and black pepper to taste
red (cayenne) pepper to taste if desired
4 cups water
1-2 tbsp corn starch

Directions:
1. Brown meat in a large skillet and drain. Do not rinse skillet. Put meat in slow cooker. (If making meatless, skip these steps and instead add 1 tbsp oil to a skillet.)
2. Dice onion and bell pepper. Add to skillet and saute over medium-high heat until the onion is translucent and the pepper is softened slightly. Add to slow cooker.
3. Drain beans and add to slow cooker. Do not drain tomatoes--add the whole can with their liquid. Stir.
4. Add spices and stir.
5. Pour in water, stir and cover. Turn on slow cooker and cook on low 8 hours or high 4 hours. (Alternatively, if you have 6 hours to kill, cook on high two hours and then turn down heat to low.)
6. Just before serving, stir and add corn starch to thicken. Adjust seasoning if needed.
7. Serve with sour cream, shredded cheese, and beer bread!

Photographic evidence:

Chili Photo: After step 4.

Chili Photo: Midway through step 5.

Chili Photo: Fully simmered!

Beer Bread Photo: Plunked in a cold oven (forgot to take a photo until a minute later)

Beer Bread Photo: Golden and delicious.

Chili & Beer Bread Photo: Finished product!

A Year of Giving

So it is that time of year where everyone is making big plans and announcements about how they plan to spend the next twelve months. I already touched on this here, but I am hatching a bigger idea related to the concept of giving and faith. Someone online recently reminded me that in the Gospel of John, Jesus tells Peter (and by extension, us) how to serve him: "Feed my sheep".

This is also inspired in part by Ann Curry's 26 acts of kindness, and in part by the book I just read, A Year of Biblical Womanhood. The concept of doing something different each month within the realm of giving is something I want to do. I feel called to put as much good into the world as I possibly can. Here are my ideas so far.

1. I'll continue my $10 per month auto-debit sustainer pledge to MPR. This is something I've done for many years, through my unemployment and everything. Supporting something that I enjoy, that I want others to be able to enjoy without having to pay upfront for it, seems a good way to begin.

2. I'll continue to crochet blankets for children in need of healing. I'm about 25% of the way through my first one. I'm not saying I'll actually make 26 this year, but I'll continue working on them and try to at least finish one each month. I'm starting with a larger one for a big kid or teenager. I was thinking maybe I would make 6 adult sized ones and 20 child/baby ones in total.

3a. Each month, we'll give to a different organization or cause we believe in. This may be in the form of money, material donations, volunteer work, anything. I don't have these fully mapped out yet, and opportunities to give should present themselves during the year, if I am looking carefully. I already have 4 or 5 ideas.

3b. I'll plan these out within certain themes. I may do a little more bible research on who specifically we are called to help, but for starters I'm going to work with the sick and hurt in need of healing, the poor and the hungry, those in mourning, and the excluded, oppressed or exploited. Some of these may involve religious organizations, and some may fly in the face of religious organizations. Some may be personal, where we just give something (tangible or not) to a person we know who is in need of help.

Isaiah 58 seems like a good place to begin. The context is that it is a calling-out of hypocrites--people who do religious things in a showing-off way, without kindness to each other or help to those in need. (I also read the entire book of James. It's short, but not short enough that I'm sharing here. You can find it here if you're interested.)

This translation is called The Message.
Isaiah 58
Your Prayers Won’t Get Off the Ground
1-3 “Shout! A full-throated shout!
Hold nothing back—a trumpet-blast shout!
Tell my people what’s wrong with their lives,
face my family Jacob with their sins!
They’re busy, busy, busy at worship,
and love studying all about me.
To all appearances they’re a nation of right-living people—
law-abiding, God-honoring.
They ask me, ‘What’s the right thing to do?’
and love having me on their side.
But they also complain,
‘Why do we fast and you don’t look our way?
Why do we humble ourselves and you don’t even notice?’
3-5 “Well, here’s why:
“The bottom line on your ‘fast days’ is profit.
You drive your employees much too hard.
You fast, but at the same time you bicker and fight.
You fast, but you swing a mean fist.
The kind of fasting you do
won’t get your prayers off the ground.
Do you think this is the kind of fast day I’m after:
a day to show off humility?
To put on a pious long face
and parade around solemnly in black?
Do you call that fasting,
a fast day that I, God, would like?
6-9 “This is the kind of fast day I’m after:
to break the chains of injustice,
get rid of exploitation in the workplace,
free the oppressed,
cancel debts.
What I’m interested in seeing you do is:
sharing your food with the hungry,
inviting the homeless poor into your homes,
putting clothes on the shivering ill-clad,
being available to your own families.
Do this and the lights will turn on,
and your lives will turn around at once.
Your righteousness will pave your way.
The God of glory will secure your passage.
Then when you pray, God will answer.
You’ll call out for help and I’ll say, ‘Here I am.’
A Full Life in the Emptiest of Places
9-12 “If you get rid of unfair practices,
quit blaming victims,
quit gossiping about other people’s sins,
If you are generous with the hungry
and start giving yourselves to the down-and-out,
Your lives will begin to glow in the darkness,
your shadowed lives will be bathed in sunlight.
I will always show you where to go.
I’ll give you a full life in the emptiest of places—
firm muscles, strong bones.
You’ll be like a well-watered garden,
a gurgling spring that never runs dry.
You’ll use the old rubble of past lives to build anew,
rebuild the foundations from out of your past.
You’ll be known as those who can fix anything,
restore old ruins, rebuild and renovate,
make the community livable again.
13-14 “If you watch your step on the Sabbath
and don’t use my holy day for personal advantage,
If you treat the Sabbath as a day of joy,
God’s holy day as a celebration,
If you honor it by refusing ‘business as usual,’
making money, running here and there—
Then you’ll be free to enjoy God!
Oh, I’ll make you ride high and soar above it all.
I’ll make you feast on the inheritance of your ancestor Jacob.”
Yes! God says so!
Copyright © 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 2000, 2001, 2002 by Eugene H. Peterson

We're starting off big in January. I'll write another post at the end of each month with what we did. This is going to be harder than I thought...already failed at the "quit gossiping about other people's sins" part the other night. Oh well. Start over tomorrow, right?

Video Friday: "Elephant", Tame Impala

The actual video for this song gave me a headache. Sorry. You can find it here. I warned you, though. No idea whether being on drugs would make it better or worse.

This one actually works quite well with the music. So. Do you like John Lennon? Pink Floyd? Then you're going to probably enjoy this.

If you listen to the Current, you've probably already heard it a zillion times. Not sure how much commercial radio has picked it up yet, but the buzz seems to be building. It's one of those songs that is fun to listen to regardless of whether you can understand what the heck he's singing about.

Toddler Tuesday

We went to the mall for toddler Tuesday this week. The special event was Yo Gabba Gabba, where they had coloring sheets, kid dancing activities, and the opportunity to stand in line for a very long time to "meet" Brobee. The other perks of it being toddler Tuesday are that you can get cheap ride points for the indoor amusement park and that certain restaurants offer a free kid's meal with each paid adult entree.

So. I loaded up the diaper bag for two, popped the double stroller in the van and strapped the kids in, all by 9:30 AM. I think I may deserve a medal. After dropping a few bills in the mailbox and picking up breakfast for myself at Burger King, we managed to get ourselves to the mall and parked and inside by about 20 minutes later than I originally planned to be there. Not terrible. Thanks to modern communication devices and text messaging, it was pretty easy to meet up with Sam's Grandma Kathy, my friend Jodi, and her son Truman. Sam did a little coloring, but we decided to skip the waiting in line to meet a guy in a costume and instead go buy wristbands and go on rides. I am so glad we did. Having a 1 to 1 kid to grownup ratio made a huge difference fun-wise. We just took our purses with us to ride the carousel: Truman with his mom, Maggie with me, and Sam with my mom. Originally I was going to sit on the bench with Maggie, but Sam was not at all interested in riding on an animal, so he and Grandma took the bench. Maggie rode the horsey like a champ, with me hugging her for dear life, just in case, but she grabbed the brass pole like a pro! Next the little boys and Jodi and I went on the Big Rigs ride, and Sam seemed to enjoy "steering" our Little Blue Truck and beeping the horn. Mom and I switched and she rode the Blue's Skiddoo with Sam while I fed Maggie. We still have a ton of points left, so I hope to go again another time soon.

While we were regrouping (read: while I was strapping Maggie back on and both Mom and Jodi were chasing runaway toddlers), we ran into Jordan and Reese. I thought to myself, "What a cute little girl with curly red hair" before I realized who it was. She was extra adorable with a black polka dotted dress and her pink backpack. She was patient and waited in line to meet Brobee. "He was so happy to see me!" she said. Too darn cute, that one. They had just had lunch, and were getting on their way, so we said bye.

We stopped for lunch at the Cadillac Ranch. I think it would be fun to go as just grownups sometime, but the kids did well. We didn't order food for Maggie although it would have been free. She just chowed down on fruit cups, crackers, and attempted to steal my food, with varying levels of success. Sam ate his chicken strips and french fries like he usually does. I got some delicious, if tiny, pulled pork sliders with a side of mac and cheese. They have a decent lunch menu where for $8 you pick one small entree and a side. Jodi got the same pulled pork as me with a cup of soup, and Mom got a small flatbread margherita pizza, I think, with a salad. I felt bad for Truman, since his mac and cheese didn't look half as good as mine. Blue box vs. penne with a real sauce. Sad. We were all reasonably stuffed by the time we left, and I'd go again for sure, but only on a Tuesday if I was bringing a kid. $6 for a kid's meal is a little steep.

On the way home, both Sam and Maggie fell asleep in the van, and I managed to open the back hatch of the van enough to snap this in our garage:

It's hard to see because of the shadow, but yes, Maggie can breathe. Her hood is covering her eyes but not her nose and mouth. I managed to get her into the crib and back to sleep after we came inside, so she took a good nap, but Sam refused to go back to sleep. Later that evening we went to dinner with the Brandons and he fell asleep in the car on the way there. Sam wasn't asleep for the night until 2 am. FML. Actually, no, I fell asleep before he did--F Dan's life. Poor guy.

Also, other than the above snapshot, I didn't manage to take any pictures of the day. Next time I will do better with that. We had a good time and didn't break the bank to do it. Including my breakfast on the way but not including gas money or the snacks I brought for the kids, I spent $32.04. Eating at home for breakfast would have brought it down to $26.38. Drinking water at the restaurant would have dropped the total further, and we still have half our point card left, so overall we could have spent closer to $20. Really, if we just walked after the event, skipped the rides or used leftover points, and brought lunch with us, we could go for the cost of gas.

Drop me a line if you want to join us next time!

Christmas presents, results post #3: Ornaments!

This is the last of it!

Here are the five ornaments I made this year, as displayed on my sad little Charlie Brown tree:

The pink and light green poinsettia I kept for our family.

The cranberry and dark green poinsettia I gave to the Brandons.

The snowman I gave to the Books.

The Santa Claus I gave to my parents.

The Christmas mouse I gave to the Maleceks.

I think the mouse was the best looking of the crew, and I didn't mean to play favorites as far as who got to keep him, but both Santa and mouse had to go to a family who didn't have any children under 3 years old in their house, because of the glass bead eyes. I knew I wanted Santa to go to my mom, since she and Dan disagree on the merits of telling children that Santa Claus brings them presents...so that left Kevin, Mandy, and Ella. I think I can trust a 6 1/2 year old not to chew on it, and I think I can trust that they won't let the dogs at it, so that was that. I mentioned before that I screwed up the light colored poinsettia by sewing the petals on backwards, so I figured I should keep it. Then it was just a matter of who gets Grumpy the Snowman and who gets a pretty flower. In the end, I flipped a coin. Shrug.

Depression, part 4: Motherhood

This post is part of a series on depression. Click here for parts one, two, and three.

Let's see, last post I left off with my pregnancy. Well, at least my bedrest. I'm going to leave Sam's birth story for another day, but I can sum up motherhood's effect on my depression symptoms: there was no time to be depressed, and I was blessed with a good hormone cocktail naturally--luck of the draw.

Let me state for the record that post-partum depression is a real thing; many if not most women experience it. If you believe you may have it, or you just feel something isn't right, please see a doctor. You have many options, and they do not necessarily involve having to quit breastfeeding (as many assume is the case).

Fortunately for me, after about the first bumpy week, all those happy breastfeeding hormones kept my depression well in check. There is also something to be said for the fact that you just can't sleep the day away when you have a baby*, or at least you can't sleep any more than they do. The feedings have to happen; the diapers have to get changed. Making the crying stop becomes your #1 priority. Luckily we figured out fast how to make that happen. Sam's first week he was a little hungry because I didn't have him at the breast quite often enough. We started adding a bit of formula (in hindsight, a terrible idea, but whatever) at night and things got sorted out. This eventually led to early weaning between 7 and 10 months, as we tapered slowly until he was only getting one feed at the breast per day, but I am proud of the time we got. The oxytocin boosts helped my mood considerably. I became one of the most laid-back people with, for example, a total lack of road rage and instead a "we'll get there when we get there" type mentality. Little things just didn't bother me at all anymore. I had bigger fish to fry, so to speak.

So, as far as my depression goes, motherhood has been a good treatment. I have to make a choice every day, whether to put aside my depression and keep my kid safe, clean, and fed, or let the darkness overwhelm both of us. Luckily it's always been the former. I'm at a point now where I ask for help sooner, lean on Dan more during the tough months, and let go of anything non-essential. Yes, my laundry and dishes do stack up. But there is always a clean sippy cup, a clean outfit, and food and milk in the house for Sam. Sam's first two years were very busy with doctor's appointments and therapies at least once a week, if not more often than that. When I say that Sam was my full time job, I mean it. Even on days when he didn't have appointments, I was doing his OT throughout the day, taking elbow braces on and off, etc. in addition to the normal mom-stuff.

For about Sam's first 18 months, too, I was seeing my therapist weekly or every other week. Having that one hour to take care of myself, without having Sam need me during that time, was a big part of how I was able to handle the stress of the rest of the week. I should also mention that I had help in the form of friends and family who would watch Sam on occasion and with regularity--those therapy appointments involved playtime with Gramma for Sam. I think all parents need small breaks every now and then.**

*Dan pointed out at the time or a short time later that this is still a choice. There are probably some parents who could choose to put in earplugs and turn on white noise machines and let their children scream, alone, for hours. As I prefer not to lose my son, these were not options for me.
**Naptime or any time baby is sleeping is not break time. It's "be very quiet and listen in case they wake up" time.

Christmas presents, results post #2: Who got an awesome scarf?

These ladies got awesome scarves (and cowls). I took crappy webcam pictures of myself wearing them just in case my models were reluctant. :) Then I ended up forgetting to ask. Oh, well. People said they liked them, so I'm happy. These are in the order of when I made them.

Ruffle scarf for Ms. Jena based on this pattern, in Patons Divine in Richest Rose and Night Sky.

Infinity twist scarf/wrap for Ms. Mandy based on what came out of my brain, in Patons Allure in Platinum.

Chunky cowl for my mom based on this pattern, in Lion Brand Chenille Thick and Quick in Terracotta. I made two others based on this pattern but haven't given them to anyone yet. One is gray like our afghan, and the other is purple like Steph's. I made both after I finished the scarves and cowls pictured here.

Lacy cowl for Ms. Jill based on this pattern in Patons Brilliant in Sparkling Rose.

Video Friday: Epic Church Sign Fails

I love these goofy things. The blog posts are just as good, but sometimes hearing the guy who wrote them is entertaining as well. Here is the first one I watched. It's got everything: Beer, doughnuts, hellfire, and Santa. (Do not watch with little ones listening, there is a "spoiler" about the big guy in red.)

Blog post here, where he notes: "This week, I go all 'Colbert' on you and start dropping product placements as if someone was actually watching. Hey, we can all dream, right?"

Christmas presents, results post #1: Afghans!

In chronological order of when I created them, here are some photos of my finished holiday work. These were all the TV-watching lap throws I made for friends and family. Apologies to the Books, who still don't have theirs.

Afghan #1 for my parents

This is the first time I made the 5 1/2 hour throw. I chose pink, sage, and linen to match their couch.

Afghan #2 for the Brandons

This is the second time I made the 5 1/2 hour afghan. I chose colors that reminded me of a rug in their living room, since I hadn't seen their new red couch at the time. I figured black, cranberry and light brown would look nice anywhere. Dan and Steph both really liked the look of this one.

Afghan #3 for Stephanie

This is the first time I made the super fast and easy throw. As I posted before, the name is deceiving, but I really liked the lacy pattern and was itching to try something different after two weeks of v-stitches. I would probably make this one again for myself in a different colorway.

Afghan #4 for us (I posted about this one before.)

This was the third time I made a 5 1/2 hour blanket, but I used the pattern for extra bulky weight yarn instead of three strands held together this time, since I already had the yarn on hand. It was a clearance purchase a few years back when I intended to make this blanket, but never finished it. (I had some in rust as well for the accent color.) Some time ago I had frogged it and wound it back into balls, so it was all ready to stitch up again.

Afghan #5 for Loretta

Another 5 1/2 hour afghan here, but this time I cheated on the yarn and bought three one pound skeins of Caron acrylic yarn. I chose the colors claret and deep violet for the red hat society colors, and added cream as the accent. I also chose to skip the fringe on this one.

Afghan #6 for the Books

This was my first time making the speed hook shell afghan. I chose Woolease thick and quick yarn in claret for this one, since Jill claimed no one was allergic to wool in their house, and I thought it would go well with their red walls and brown couches.

Afghan #7 for the Maleceks

This was my first time making the tasseled quick-crochet throw. I skipped the tassels partly because I didn't think I'd have enough yarn left, and partly because it was December 23rd and I just wanted to be done. This one was the most difficult for me to choose yarn for, since I haven't been to their house in quite awhile. In the end, the day the yarn went on sale, I just picked from the colors that had enough yarn to complete the project there in the store. The meadow green was the one I thought was the prettiest and that would go with whatever. It's mostly muted green with bits of gold, silver, and gray wound in. It's also sort of self-striping which I thought looked nice.

That's it! 7 afghans in about 2-3 months. I should probably start making them for charity now, right? Now that I've gotten into the habit, that is. I think Red Heart sells mill end bags of acrylic yarn for cheap. May have to look into that, since Sam has 3 Project Linus blankets from his 3 surgeries. Time to give back, I think. (Note: I wrote this weeks before I made my New Year's Resolution, and it was Caron, not Red Heart.)

Depression, part 3: My treatment journey

This post is part of a series: Here are part 1 and part 2, if you want to start from the beginning.

Before I get into the treatments I went through for my depression, I want to reiterate something since some folks have asked, after reading parts 1 and 2, if I am doing OK. I am. My depressions each winter get lighter and lighter, which I'll get into in a later post. Dan mentioned the metaphor of a roller coaster that is evening out. Slight dips rather than chasms, now. The reason I am writing about this now is twofold. One is that I feel a discussion about mental health is long overdue in our culture. All I have to contribute to that discussion is my own experience, which will differ greatly but also probably have a lot in common with other people who have had my type of mental illness. The second is that I'm finally ready to write about it publicly, because my remission is going as well as it is, and my symptoms are pretty stable.

My first round of treatment was a low dose of Celexa, which I now refer to as tic-tacs. Any effect I had from the first dose level was placebo effect, and I didn't do very well during the 2001-2002 school year at college. Incidentally, this was during the time that I turned 21 and was drinking more often than I had previously. When my parents helped me move out at the end of May, I was in pretty bad shape. This was my first major depressive episode. That summer, while living at home and working full time, I began seeing a therapist who, while being a bit of a quack regarding thought-field-therapy, did teach me some ways to think about my thoughts and identify them as being "child" thoughts, "adult" thoughts, or overly critical "parent" thoughts. (The second of the three is the most useful for decision making.) She helped me talk to my parents about how we communicated with each other, along the lines of "When you say this, I hear that." She taught me some simple relaxation/meditation practices which I used as needed. TFT was bunk, so I didn't do that at all after I stopped seeing her, but the rest was helpful. She also recommended that I see my doctor for a dosage increase of the Celexa because I was having trouble managing my thoughts and mood. It helped clear the fog a little. It helped me have a little more control over whether I would burst into tears immediately after thinking or talking about something that upset me. It did not help me haul my butt out of bed. I think at some point here we added Wellbutrin to the mix to help manage my lethargy, but I can't remember exactly when that was.

Some time the following fall or early winter, and I'm not exactly sure when it was, I was switched from the combination of Celexa and Wellbutrin over to Effexor. During the fall 2002 semester, I was living off campus with friends, and once again failing my classes. We were only about 2 or 3 blocks from campus, but as I've mentioned, Moorhead winters are rough. It was also during this time that I had my first somewhat serious boyfriend, who was very sweet but couldn't really cope with my depression. So we were on-again-off-again for a little while. Alcohol was a coping mechanism for part of this time, except that it just made things worse. I had a therapist, but the appointments were across town and only every other week, and I missed a few besides. She mainly focused on substance abuse, and wanted me to work a 12 step program with my depression, which wasn't really possible in the midst of the depression. This was my second major depressive episode, and at New Year's my parents helped me withdraw from school and move back home for good. I needed help and support that roommates, busy with their own academic and social lives, couldn't really be asked to provide. If you ever hear me refer to "the bad time," I mean either this time or the one before it.

Moving home and ceasing to be a college student at age 22 meant that I lost my insurance coverage as well. Luckily my amazing doctor was able to keep me in samples of my medication for the 6 months before I had a job with benefits. I started temping, and my second temp job was a temp-to-hire receptionist gig where they decided to hire me. It was only $10 an hour but the benefits were amazing. Eventually I was promoted to an office assistant and made $12.50 per hour before any raises. I stayed there for several years, during which time I moved into my own apartment, went back to school, dated a few guys, met and married my husband, and eventually quit to pursue other things.

It was a good job for what it was, but in the end, it became a somewhat toxic environment for me, which I did explain in my exit interview. Essentially, I had an absentee boss (through no real fault of her own) and no one picked up the slack to support my team, except to tattle on us if they thought we were screwing up. I decided at that point that clerical positions really weren't for me; I was sick of being treated like a child or a criminal or an incompetent just because of my job title. People in sales and management pay a lot of lip service to how great their admin staff is, but there is a disconnect between how people talk and how they actually treat their staff.

During this time I did have a slight relapse, in late 2005, which didn't help with my relationship with the rest of the office. Dan moved in with me about 6 months before we got married, because I needed someone to help me haul my butt out of bed in the morning, and it was either that or leave my apartment to live with my parents again. We decided that it would be better to just try to move forward with our lives together rather than have me move back, since we already were engaged and had set our wedding date. I was switched from the Effexor over to Cymbalta plus Wellbutrin, which helped a lot. The combination of chemicals affecting seratonin, norepinephrine, plus dopamine really kicked my depression out for a long time.  Dan didn't drink any alcohol so I kind of quit that by default as well, which helped, too. I'm not supposed to drink with my medications anyway. I still have a drink or two on rare occasions, but several months will go by where I haven't had a drop.

I stayed at that company for about another year, until well after we were married, and then left thinking I'd either go back to school or find another job. I ended up temping for a banking company for just under a year, and then tried to make a go of a small business (Auntie Mel's Gifts) in 2008. It didn't work out, but I learned a lot.

In the fall of 2009, I made a decision to really get my professional life together. I looked at which college courses I had the most of, and how quickly I could get a degree of any kind. I settled on accounting, figuring that it was the sort of thing that people always need and that I could do taxes part time part of the year after we had kids. Plus, I was good at math and paperwork and had already had taken a year of accounting courses at Concordia. I plotted out my courses and figured it would take me 2 regular semesters plus one summer term. I also began seeing a therapist again to help manage my stress and make better plans for managing my time.

I probably got pregnant my first week of school. We had been "not NOT trying" for a couple of years, but of course, nothing happened until I had other plans. Ha. When I found out in October that I was due in June, I decided to try to get done what I could, and figure out the rest later. I had to go off the Cymbalta and instead take a low dose of Zoloft. The majority of my pregnancy was spent just trying to keep my head above water. I continued to see my therapist. I tried to reduce my dose of Wellbutrin (with my doctor's supervision) and couldn't cope without it. Spring semester I ended up having to withdraw from all my classes except one--I just couldn't keep up. The day after my final in that class I was put on bed rest for toxemia. I got an A.

Stay tuned for part 4: Motherhood.