Preface: I wrote all of this before I heard about the most recent mass shooting in CT. All weekend I debated about holding it for a bit, but in the end, especially after reading this and this, I decided that I needed to move forward in honesty. I need to write about about my mental health journey, in the hopes that raising awareness and reducing stigma helps stop the next person in pain from deciding to take innocent lives.
I've hinted and talked a bit here about my struggles with depressive dysphoric disorder and seasonal affective disorder. Anything I write on this topic is going to be specific to my experience--depressions vary widely and if I say I did or did not experience a particular symptom, that is not intended to discount the experience of anyone else.
My major depressions occurred while I was in college, but every year I struggle off and on in some respect. Dan mentioned the other day that he sees my depression and remission as a roller coaster that is gradually evening out. Every low is more minor than the last, like the opposite of a downward spiral. I have to say that I agree, but I must remain vigilant and aware that no matter how hard I try to control my moods, sometimes I'm not in control.
As an aside, I want to point out that I have never been bipolar--I only alternate between depression and remission, never mania, though I do keep myself educated about both bipolar and anxiety, because I'm evaluated for them every time I see my doctor as well. My roller coaster has plateaus, but not peaks. I won't be writing about those conditions simply because I haven't experienced them.
Andrew Solomon has written and spoken about his depression, and I think he truly hits the nail on the head in this 2009 interview for On Being with Krista Tippett. An excerpt:
Ms. Tippett: I think what I found really refreshing about your book and something that I don't think is out there enough is, you know, what depression really is and what it really is not. It's not sadness, really. I think you say that the opposite of depression is human vitality.
Mr. Solomon: It's an experience, I think overall, of finding the most ordinary parts of life incredibly difficult: finding it difficult to eat, finding it difficult to get out of bed, finding it difficult and painful to go outside, being afraid all of the time and being overwhelmed all the time. And frequently, it's quite a sad experience to be afraid and overwhelmed all the time. Nonetheless, those are the essential qualities of it. It isn't, I think, primarily an experience of sadness.
When I heard this interview for the first time this fall, I cried. Overwhelmed. That's what my depression has always been. When I'm in a depression, I am so overwhelmed by everything in life that I just want to turn myself off and stay in bed. It's a dark, frightening place to be, but naming it and getting help to clear the fog is so incredibly valuable.
When I am in the darkest depressions I find it frightening to drive, because I just can't process my surroundings quickly enough. My head gets so foggy I can't process thoughts normally, which is completely frustrating. I feel tired all the time, even if I've just woken up. I crave sweet foods, because my body is desperate for energy. These things have natural consequences in daily life--being late to work, not being able to finish assignments or make it to classes, having a messy house, failing to feed myself properly, forgetting to bathe, etc. Simply living life is too exhausting and I fail at it. In my head, I joke that if I'm depressed enough to be suicidal, I'm too depressed to DO anything about it. For the record, just because the internet is crazy and people have been known to do this, I want to note that you do not have to call the cops on me; I am not now nor have I ever been seriously suicidal. At times I wished I could just sleep and avoid my problems for a really long time, but I never actually wanted to die.
Stay tuned for Part 2, whenever I have the courage and proper frame of mind to write it.
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