So these are things that have been on my mind ever since Sandy Hook, or even before. When a boy or a man does something awful, something violent, something hugely destructive, we tend to try to find someone to blame. Someone other than that boy or man. In some ways we are right, but in others, we're not.
Evolutionary influences
It is my firm belief that men and women have brains hard-wired a little differently from each other. Of course there are many exceptions, but I don't think anyone is going to deny the evolutionary advantage of a somewhat violent male in a hunter-gatherer society. Men needed to be good at hunting and at war, or their families would starve or be killed by other humans who wanted their resources, or be killed by wild animals. Food was scarce. In a hunting party, each man needed to try to kill an animal. Some teamwork was necessary, but it was not necessary for men to look out for each other quite as much as if they'd been the gatherers. You can bet that the man who managed to get the kill was highly regarded by his peers and by the women of the tribe, and therefore more likely to pass on his genes.
If you watch boys play, you notice that they aren't quite as interested in playing with each other as they are playing against each other or next to each other, doing similar activities. Boys tend to prefer destructive play more often than girls do. They tend to build things just to demolish them. They tend to talk to each other less. An individual boy is also not highly concerned with the needs of the group as a whole--he's mainly out for himself. Boys also tend to have social hierarchies, and be somewhat competitive. This is not terribly surprising given the above.
Women and girls tend to be different. The gatherers of our ancient tribe, it was crucial that the group carry back as much food as possible. If one woman was lost, it was worth it for the others to find her and make sure what she'd gathered made it back to camp. Women shared duties such as childcare (even breastfeeding each other's children while they worked), and a woman who could keep track of everyone's well-being was valuable to the tribe, and may have been more likely to pass on her genes.
If you watch little girls play, they tend to do more social activities. They tend to want to keep their creative endeavors rather than destroy them. They are typically more concerned with the needs of the whole group than boys are. Girls tend to know more about each other than boys do, and the darker side of that is that they know each other's weaknesses and will exploit them for social gain if they choose. In general, though, girls want the group to play together, not apart.
What does this have to do with mass violence? Well, I just wanted to acknowledge that there is something in the male brain that craves violence, conflict, and conquest. This is not necessarily a bad thing, but in our modern society it can be difficult to manage it well.
Modern men and boys and their need for conflict
Accepting that there are certain instincts present does not mean indulging those instincts. It is not appropriate for men and boys to actually commit acts of violence towards their fellow human beings. So what do we do about it? Some guys get into sports; either physically playing or at least watching and pretending to be part of the team. Some guys hunt. Some guys play video games. Some watch people blow stuff up on Mythbusters. Some people drive motorcycles, race cars, or various sporting vehicles. Some people watch action movies. Whatever sates that craving for adrenaline. Remember, put to good use, the competitive nature can help men succeed in the workplace and be willing to work hard to help support their families.
But then there are guys that smack women around, get in bar fights, road rage incidents, and generally don't have their feelings under control. Worse, there are some guys who let their suppressed rage fester until they go on a shooting spree or build a bomb.
Blaming the video games for desensitizing doesn't get at the core of the problem. Sometimes (more often than not, I'd wager) the violent video games are a release for pent-up anger. Sometimes they aren't, though. One thing I know to be true is that no one has ever walked into a mall, a theater, or a school with an Xbox 360 or a PlayStation 3 and killed a bunch of people. Games don't have the power to do that. Most rational adults and even most teenagers understand the difference between reality and make-believe. Most of them know that games are not real life. This is part of the reason for game ratings--your 10 year old does NOT need to play anything rated T for teen or M for mature. These are not guidelines based on difficulty: they are content based warnings. If you're not comfortable with your kid watching an R or NC-17 movie, they shouldn't be playing a rated M game. Period.
What about the guns?
Blaming the guns doesn't quite work, either. People in certain rural areas (or, you know, Alaska) may need to carry firearms in case of bears and wolves. This is a real, legitimate safety concern for many Americans. Hunting, whether you agree with it or not, is also a fair and reasonable use of firearms. Target practice, like archery, can be a sport. Probably not a good sport for folks with the rage issues above, or those who can't appreciate the difference between reality and fantasy, but for average folks, not a problem.
Home defense I am more on the fence about. In most cases, you don't need a gun to stop a thief. An irrational attacker, on the other hand, won't be stopped by anything less. If you have a stalker or a psychotic ex or an estranged family member who you believe may try to harm you and your family, go ahead and keep a gun. If you believe that due to your job someone may have a beef with you that they would resort to violence to resolve, go ahead and keep a gun. But if you're just afraid that "someone" "might" try to come in and steal your stuff? Really. Really? It's stuff. It's not worth risking anyone's life over, even the person trying to take it from you. This paranoia that "bad guys" are going to come into your neighborhood, this fear, is how we end up with cases like that of Trayvon Martin. Get over it. Most people aren't going to hurt you. Lock your doors and windows, and make peace with the fact that things are just things, and most thieves just want stuff, not to harm people. The fortress mentality, the "trespassers will be shot, ask questions later" attitude, is how a grandfather accidentally shot his granddaughter when she walked in the door unexpectedly.
The constitutional right to bear arms
The second amendment was originally conceived as a way to limit the power of a potentially tyrannical government. A way for citizens to be armed and rise up against their oppressors. This worked, sort of, during the American revolutionary war. (Never mind that it was aid from the French that actually helped win the war...) But now? Have you seen some of the technology created and used by the US military? A citizen militia, no matter now many guns they had, would not, could not, have a chance against unmanned drones. That ship has long since sailed. You'd have to have a nuke and be willing to use it.
So how can we protect ourselves from potential tyranny? In fact, it's been studied and nonviolent protests have a 50% better success rate than violent ones. Guns are no longer the means to overthrow regimes. It is more effective to garner support in peaceful protest, which is not surprising--given the choice between arming oneself for combat, leaving one's family, potentially to take the life of a political enemy, and writing a letter or a check, maybe marching, picketing, or sitting-in, what would you pick? Both options include the possibility of being hurt or killed, but unarmed peaceful protesters tend to garner more sympathy when the powers that be harm them than if they'd been physically attacking the authorities. Insurgencies which tend to divide civilian populations, to rape and pillage, generally don't succeed in the end. People don't want to trade one tyrant for another. In short, the 2nd amendment is highly irrelevant in this day and age. (So is the 3rd...)
So what can we do?
Banning guns and violent games and movies will not help solve the mental health crisis in the United States. Better gun regulation is one important piece of the puzzle, but it's not the whole picture.
There may be some issues with the accessibility of mental health treatments. Men are less likely to seek treatment for any medical problem than women are. Stop and re-read that last sentence. Even if they have health insurance, men don't want to go to the doctor, even if they have a serious problem. Stigma for mental disorders is even worse for men than for women. Men are expected to suck it up, be a man, get over it, don't express your feelings, etc. That's a problem.
However, I think the best things we can do involve the cliche "think global, act local".
Teach your sons and daughters conflict resolution skills. Make sure your boys have an outlet for their energies. Do not shame them for their natural impulses; instead teach them by example healthy ways to cope with their feelings. Teach them to cope with disappointment, change, and loss. Teach them to respect each other's emotional, intellectual, and bodily autonomy. Teach them to respect themselves enough to get help when they need it.
Work on you. Try to be a peaceful person in your own circle. Teach your kids, your family members, and your friends to value the humanity present in all people, even those they dislike or disagree with. Stop objectifying people. Celebrities are not objects to be judged; they are real people with real feelings and real lives. When it becomes OK to dismiss the humanity of a famous person, it becomes OK to devalue the humanity of everyone. This goes for men as well as women. Our president is not an intangible political idea; he is a father and a husband, and a person. You may not agree with his decisions, but it is unacceptable to presume you know the contents of his heart and mind and that those things don't matter. This goes for people across the aisle as well. When we take away each other's realness, when we reduce our fellow beings to mere things, it suddenly becomes acceptable to kill without a second thought. Work to change that.
That guy you know. The one you maybe lost touch with a few years ago. The one with the anger issues. The one who is a totally different person when he's in a good mood from who he is when he's in a bad one. Reach out. Reconnect with him. See how he's doing. Talk. Spend a little time together. Make sure he knows that you value his life and his contribution to the world. Make sure he values yours. Just be there as a positive example. Don't let him think that it's him against the world, because it's not. Make sure he can imagine that there is good in his future.
Make conscious choices about entertainment. As stated above, avoid websites, shows, and magazines that treat people like objects. Petition TV shows and stations to make better choices about programming. Play games that have compelling stories which affirm the characters' humanity, not devalue it.
Try to give. Even if you feel like you can't afford to. Everyone has gifts. If you don't have much money to spare, maybe you have some extra time--to watch your neighbor's kid while she runs an errand, to volunteer somewhere. Maybe you can finally drop off that box of old clothes that don't fit anymore at the Goodwill or Savers (or your local nonprofit). If your life is pretty chaotic but you have a little disposable income, maybe you can donate a little money here and there. $5 or $10 buys a meal for the car behind you at the drive-thru, with about 10 seconds worth of effort on your part. The lady in line in front of you at the grocery store with her kids, digging through her purse to try to scrounge up $2 in change to cover the rest of her bill? Hook her up, and don't make her feel bad about it. Start a chain reaction of positivity. Even just being kind and friendly to the strangers you meet through the course of a day--cashiers, janitors, folks you pass on the sidewalk. Make an effort once in a while to put some good into the world. Change the culture one person at a time.
And if you know the system we live in is broken, try to figure out how to fix it. When you see injustice, ask yourself how it happened, and sort it out. If you don't see injustice, OPEN YOUR EYES. Perk up your ears. It's pervasive, and the privileged often seem to have no idea it's there.
I'll be honest, other than pointing it out and using my voice, I have no idea how to deal with this stuff. I can be petty and judgmental, and gossip about other people's problems. It's something I'm trying to stop doing, but I'm not there yet. I'm also not good at engaging with people--I tend to avoid eye contact with other shoppers when I pass them in the aisles. I don't look restaurant servers in the eye. But I'm going to try to get out of my comfort zone. I hope you'll join me. Let's spread some love.
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