Busy, busy, busy!

So I don't have much to share today, mostly because I've been crafting up a storm and not writing as much. Here is a picture of my sad little Charlie Brown tree that the kids keep knocking over, so I don't dare hang ornaments on it yet:

I've been preparing a series of photo posts about my Christmas projects, but since they are gifts that have not yet been given, I'll be posting them after the holiday. Thus far, I've managed to crochet, photograph, and package 5 afghans, 5 ornaments, 2 cowls and a scarf, and I'm halfway through another cowl and afghan.

I'm also partway through the first of the amigurumi, but unless I give myself a repetitive stress injury and locate a time machine and some safety eyes this weekend, those are probably not going to happen in time for Christmas, which isn't a huge surprise to me. After I finished so many ornaments, the last three of which were amigurumi, I thought maybe it would happen, but then I got wrapped up in scarves/cowls and didn't finish. I may just try to get three done for the nieces and skip Sam's until later (not like he'll know the difference), but it will depend on how much work goes into the other patterns. One of them doesn't require eyes, and I might just embroider the eyes on the other two. Hmm, hmm, hmm. Or I might just decide that it's not worth being stressed over. Oh, the suspense! (small eye roll)

Yeah, the amigurumi probably aren't going to happen if I have to cook anything or do any shopping in the next 3 days. I also need to somehow make time to photograph Sam with his Rudolph (which I have not yet located) and make cards. I normally do the stick-on kind, but it might just not happen this year. Which is saying something, since I managed it last year with Sam in two full arm casts. Wasn't he adorable?

He was pretty darn cute the year before, too.

With any luck I'll find Rudolph and get the picture taken. If I can get him to sit still long enough, that is. Worst case, I suppose I could strap him into his car seat and take it in the van! I am almost thinking we'll have more luck with the sleeping method I used his first Christmas.

Well, stay tuned for more holiday fun. We'll get back into the depression series and I'll perhaps commission a couple guest posts about baby wearing sometime after the holiday. Tomorrow will be a very holiday video Friday and Monday I plan to write about how advent is a celebration of pregnancy, but also how ridiculous Matthew's treatment of the nativity story is. :)

Depression, Part 2: The Sunlight Catch-22

This post is part of a series; start here if you want to read from the beginning.

I mentioned before that this time of year, during the darkest days of the year, I have a harder time managing my depression. Regardless of what Denis Leary has to say about it, not all of us are cured by going to a hockey game, or buying ice skates, or skis, or by shoveling a driveway, OK?

Part of the issue is the length of the day. Part of the issue is the overcast sky which means that although it is light out for a few hours, there is no sunshine. Part of the issue is that I already feel so crappy that I don't want to leave the house, or even my bed, enough to experience whatever daylight there may be.

By the way, the same is true of exercise. Yes, endorphins=fabulous, but it's getting to the point where you can DO it that's a problem. For me these things go together in a vicious circle. If it's crappy outside, I don't want to go for my walk. If I don't go for my walk, I don't feel good. Then even when it's not crappy, I don't want to go for my walk, because I don't feel good. My exercise- and cold-induced asthma doesn't help--getting rewarded for finally making an effort by being unable to breathe well is super frustrating and not at all motivating to do it again.

When I was first officially diagnosed with depression, it was the fall of 2001, about a month after our collective world came crashing down. I was living in Moorhead, MN, where the sun doesn't get above the treeline for several months of the year. I was a junior at Concordia College, living in an apartment in the German House. And I was failing some of my classes, mainly because I wasn't showing up. God bless my German professor, whose name escapes me at the moment (I've forgotten a LOT of what happened during that time, and I didn't particularly like this professor, but he is at least retired and might be dead now...he was really old then), who figured out that I needed to see a counselor right away and made me the appointment with the on-campus counseling center. They then referred me to a local doctor who could get me the diagnosis and some meds.

Thus began my treatment journey. Over the next several years I would see at least 3 different shrinks and was on several different medications, some of which helped, some of which didn't. I continued to fail academically and make poor decisions socially as my depression was not at all well controlled until I finally dropped out of school and moved back in with my parents at the age of 22, roughly three semesters after my initial diagnosis. This was also a move south and back to a less flat landscape. After 7 semesters, plenty of academic probation, and tens of thousands of dollars, I left Concordia with no degree. I learned many things, some of which I have forgotten, many of which I remember, but without the piece of paper, it's a huge waste of money. They should have kicked me out after the first two failing semesters, but because I made the dean's list in spring of 2000, they decided I still had the potential to get good grades and they could keep taking my (and my parents') money guilt-free. I still owe more than 10K in student loans, ten years later. Essentially, I threw away a good 2 years of my life.

Part 3 to arrive when I remember what my treatments were and how long it took to find a combination that worked well.

I have new glasses!

They are cute and I like them. The color isn't great here, as the netbook's webcam is even crummier than the laptop's, but they are dark red.

The side pieces are fancy, too. They have a kind of lilac swirl and crystal accents.

I tried taking a couple less blurry shots with my real camera and the results were terrifying. I am not skilled at the arm's length self portrait. The color was better but oh dear god my face. I'll try again after I get a haircut and recolor my hair and put on a little makeup (and make someone else take the picture).

I also got some ridiculously large D&G sunglasses. They are silly, but they'll for sure keep the sun out of my eyes, I guess...?

Depression, Part 1: Introduction and How it Feels

Preface: I wrote all of this before I heard about the most recent mass shooting in CT. All weekend I debated about holding it for a bit, but in the end, especially after reading this and this, I decided that I needed to move forward in honesty. I need to write about about my mental health journey, in the hopes that raising awareness and reducing stigma helps stop the next person in pain from deciding to take innocent lives.

I've hinted and talked a bit here about my struggles with depressive dysphoric disorder and seasonal affective disorder. Anything I write on this topic is going to be specific to my experience--depressions vary widely and if I say I did or did not experience a particular symptom, that is not intended to discount the experience of anyone else.

My major depressions occurred while I was in college, but every year I struggle off and on in some respect. Dan mentioned the other day that he sees my depression and remission as a roller coaster that is gradually evening out. Every low is more minor than the last, like the opposite of a downward spiral. I have to say that I agree, but I must remain vigilant and aware that no matter how hard I try to control my moods, sometimes I'm not in control.

As an aside, I want to point out that I have never been bipolar--I only alternate between depression and remission, never mania, though I do keep myself educated about both bipolar and anxiety, because I'm evaluated for them every time I see my doctor as well. My roller coaster has plateaus, but not peaks. I won't be writing about those conditions simply because I haven't experienced them.

Andrew Solomon has written and spoken about his depression, and I think he truly hits the nail on the head in this 2009 interview for On Being with Krista Tippett. An excerpt:

Ms. Tippett:  I think what I found really refreshing about your book and something that I don't think is out there enough is, you know, what depression really is and what it really is not. It's not sadness, really. I think you say that the opposite of depression is human vitality.

Mr. Solomon: It's an experience, I think overall, of finding the most ordinary parts of life incredibly difficult: finding it difficult to eat, finding it difficult to get out of bed, finding it difficult and painful to go outside, being afraid all of the time and being overwhelmed all the time. And frequently, it's quite a sad experience to be afraid and overwhelmed all the time. Nonetheless, those are the essential qualities of it. It isn't, I think, primarily an experience of sadness.

When I heard this interview for the first time this fall, I cried. Overwhelmed. That's what my depression has always been. When I'm in a depression, I am so overwhelmed by everything in life that I just want to turn myself off and stay in bed. It's a dark, frightening place to be, but naming it and getting help to clear the fog is so incredibly valuable.

When I am in the darkest depressions I find it frightening to drive, because I just can't process my surroundings quickly enough. My head gets so foggy I can't process thoughts normally, which is completely frustrating. I feel tired all the time, even if I've just woken up. I crave sweet foods, because my body is desperate for energy. These things have natural consequences in daily life--being late to work, not being able to finish assignments or make it to classes, having a messy house, failing to feed myself properly, forgetting to bathe, etc. Simply living life is too exhausting and I fail at it. In my head, I joke that if I'm depressed enough to be suicidal, I'm too depressed to DO anything about it. For the record, just because the internet is crazy and people have been known to do this, I want to note that you do not have to call the cops on me; I am not now nor have I ever been seriously suicidal. At times I wished I could just sleep and avoid my problems for a really long time, but I never actually wanted to die.

Stay tuned for Part 2, whenever I have the courage and proper frame of mind to write it.

Video Friday: "Breathing Underwater", Metric

Thinking I might make this a regular thing on Fridays. I tend to hear lovely little earworms from time to time, or see hilarious videos on the internet that I'd like to share. I heard this one on the radio the other day.

I'm becoming a huge fan of Metric, after having enjoyed their song "Black Sheep" in Scott Pilgrim vs. the World. Then I started hearing them on the radio, especially the song "Gimme Sympathy". The first few times I heard it I didn't put it together that it was the same band. Anyhow, driving down the road in my minivan singing "Is this my life? Oh-wo-wo-wo-woh, am I breathing underwater?" is kinda funny to me.

There is a particularly lovely acoustic version with just a piano, guitar, Emily Haines and James Shaw on vocals, but it's only available by listening to the full interview on The Current's website. It starts at about the 14 minute mark.

Baby wearing

Of course I was going to get around to writing about baby wearing one of these days. It is one of the things that gets me through my day with toddlers, and what got Sam through many a shopping trip for the first two years of his life.

I believe that most early parenting experiences can be enhanced by responsible baby wearing. By baby wearing, I do not mean putting baby on like a purse or accessory. I mean using a carrier to support most of baby's weight so that your arms don't get worn out from having to hold them.

Something I didn't really understand when Sam was small was that newborns are NOT safe in their bucket style car seats for long periods of time. Aside from the obvious fall hazards associated with placing a bucket style seat in a shopping cart or on a table, their positioning in a car seat compresses the diaphragm, making breathing difficult and increasing the risk of SIDS. Safely worn babies will be in a more upright position and will have an attentive caregiver paying close attention to them. They will have the added benefit of hearing and feeling their caregiver's heartbeat and breathing, which helps regulate those things for baby. Once baby is out of the car, baby should come out of the car seat. This is something I TOTALLY FAILED at. I admit it. I had an injury to my wrist from a crappy IV when Sam was born, so it was harder for me to hold him comfortably than it ought to have been. If I'd been a more confident baby-wearer, I might have been more comfortable, because I wouldn't have been supporting as much of his weight with my hands, and I wouldn't have been as apt to keep him in a car seat or swing.

Some baby carriers are not ideal for long sessions, and some are outright dangerous and have been banned. If you see a bag style carrier with elastic around the pouch area like this, don't buy it. These are off the market but do show up at garage sales and on ebay and Craigslist. Another highly debated type of carrier within the baby wearing community is what we affectionately call a "crotch dangler". I confess, I did own and use one of these when Sam was small. It is by far the least expensive type of carrier readily available, but the Bjorn is also designed the same way and is ridiculously expensive for what it is. If you must use this type of carrier, please only do so with baby facing in and for short periods of time. Your back, shoulders, and your baby's hips will thank you.

So. Like using a carseat properly, there are a few things you need to keep in mind to use a baby carrier safely and comfortably. The TICKS checklist is a good place to start. Baby's breathing and position are crucial to babywearing safety.

Which carrier to choose?  I have used several over the years for Sam and now Maggie. I'll give detail about each.

WRAPS

My first baby carrier was a woven wrap from Lil' Peeper Keepers. It was cotton gauze in dark green with no stretch. I chose it because I wasn't confident that a Moby would be long enough for me to tie comfortably, and I figured Sam would outgrow the Moby more quickly than I'd want. It worked very well for Sam's first summer and fall, but eventually the length did become an issue--it was just too short for us to breathe properly, once he grew, in the standard hug hold position (and I didn't know about shorter wrapping methods at the time). So I gave it to my sister-in-law to use with her daughter. One note: all carriers have some learning curve, but with wraps it does take a little more practice with a mirror to learn how to do it. I didn't learn on my first try, but I kept at it and eventually got it. YouTube has a plethora of videos teaching how to wrap and how to use other carriers. I will gladly help any of my local friends who need a little help getting started.

Photo credit: Self portrait with Sam, seated, at Nickelodeon Universe

I recently bought a longer wrap in light green, same fabric, from the same lady, to use with Maggie.

Photo credit: Terrible bathroom mirror self-portrait with Maggie

SOFT STRUCTURED CARRIERS (SSCs)

The second carrier we owned was this. I don't think I even have any pictures because I wasn't proud of it. It was intended as an easier to use carrier for Dan to wear Sam if needed. We all hated it.

When we got fed up with it and discovered just how harmful it was, but didn't want to spend over $100 for a new carrier, we bought an Infantino Union. It was a facing-in, front or back, buckle carrier with good lumbar support and a wide seat for baby. It worked very well for us, for both Sam and Maggie, and I even used it on Monday when I couldn't find my new carrier. It is a good starter SSC, with few bells and whistles and is not for infants under 6 months. My main criticism of it is that it's not very tall, so by the time you have a toddler it only goes halfway up their back. But, between about 6 and 18 months, for $40, as long as you don't mind having them wear a sun hat, it's a great low-cost carrier.

Photo credit: Another terrible bathroom self-portrait with Maggie

My favorite carrier at the moment, and the one I use the most, is my Ergo. I was extremely lucky (and extremely patient) so I got it for under $100 shipped, with an extra pouch, on Babysteals.com. It is amazing and has all the extras that the Union was missing, like a hood. It feels sturdier and more comfortable, and is slightly easier to get Maggie in and out of. One thing I plan to do soon is buy the teething pads to go on the straps--little lady likes to chew 'em!

This is basically how naptime happens at my house.

SSCs are by far the easiest type of carriers for a novice to use. They are not for tiny babies unless you use an infant support pouch or pillow, but by about 6 months they are great for every day. They are especially nice for taking baby in and out, say, for a diaper change, because when unhooked the straps don't drag on the floor the way a mei tai might. They can be a bit bulky so they aren't ideal for dragging around all the time, but for planned outings and around the house, they really are fantastic. I typically bring one to the zoo, the mall, and IKEA.

POUCH SLINGS

I have a Seven sling, but I've rarely used it. Just never got the hang of it and it seemed to pinch the kids' legs. I'm pretty sure it's sized correctly for me, but it just didn't work right for us. I used it as an emergency carrier that was small enough to fit in my purse (it folds up to be as small as a disposable diaper.) I've heard good things about Hotslings and will try to get a guest poster to review them.

Photo credit: the last terrible self-portrait of Maggie and me attempting a hip hold.

MEI TAIS and RING SLINGS

I haven't owned a mei tai or a ring sling before, though I have heard great things. I've also never owned a stretchy wrap, nor have I ever breastfed while baby wearing or had much luck with back carries. Fortunately, I have some fabulous friends and relatives with experience with most of these things and hope to get one of them to write up a guest post in the near future.

Happy baby wearing!

Feeling the darkness, what to do.

Tuesday night, 10 PM

For the first time since I started updating regularly again, it's the night before a weekday and I don't have a draft post prepared for the morning. I do have two drafts sitting in my list of posts, but one is rather long and involved and not ready to post just yet, and the other is a "space holder" post about an activity I haven't done yet, but that I intend to write about once I do.

I didn't do much writing today. Instead, I finished two projects and kept the kids alive while sporadically reading the internet and watching Korean dramas on Netflix. (They can be seriously addictive, though most have pretty much the same plot.)

I'm starting to feel the pressure of the holidays and the gloom* that normally sets over me after daylight savings time ends for the year. It doesn't help that instead of taking a vacation I've spent the last however many weeks more or less trapped in my house. I'm nowhere near finished with Christmas shopping, and I've not wrapped a single gift. Trying to keep up with the housework and failing miserably is always a drain on my energy.

So. What to do. I decided to make myself a little list of things that I could do every day to make myself feel a little bit better. (These are in addition to things I already do, like take my pills consistently and see my doctor as needed, keep up on bottles and diaper changes, try to get the kids to nap, etc. This list is unique to me and my household and should not be considered instructions or recommendations for anyone other than myself.)

1. Make coffee first thing in the morning and drink at least two cups before trying to accomplish anything.

2. Unload the dishwasher and reload it right away; run it as soon as the top rack is full.

3. Try to clear off as much of the kitchen counter as possible.

4. Drink another cup of coffee while facing the window, if it's finally light out.

5. Sit on the floor while trying to pick up toys. Try to get at least the duplos put away 3 times a day. Then sweep.

6. Make a meal plan and stick to it. Now that Maggie's eating people food, I need to make breakfast, lunch and snacks for both her and Sam, as well as myself, and get ready to make dinner for Dan, Sam, and me. This is much easier to do if I've thought about what I'll prepare before the kids are screaming at me.

7. Spend less time at the laptop. This is going to be a difficult one, but I can always use my phone if I really need an internet fix.

8. Spend more of the time at the laptop writing, rather than reloading Facebook and Google Reader. It'll all be there when I'm done.

9. At night, shower and decide what to wear the next day so I'm not hunting for it in the dark at 6:20 AM.

10. Reference this post when I forget what I'm supposed to be doing to make my day better.

*I have much more to say about the topic of depression and seasonal affective disorder (SAD). This post is only about where I'm at now, which is in a period of mostly remission with careful management.